Doctor Rafa Doesn't Know

Well, that went as I expected.

I had to go outside and spit the taste of the class out of my mouth.

In the middle, I left the room to put my head between my knees and just breathe deeply for a while.

Doctor Rafa Sips, Swallows, Repeats

I'm tired.

Might start an RP with Chalki and Steph. That would be cool. I'm sort of excited about it. (minus sort of).

Reading the last book of Emile. It's hard for me to esteem Rousseau when he so insults me. I'm wondering if I'll regret my paper topic; it might just wear me out, like reading Jensen's book on pornography did. It might just make me sad, make me not want to be looked at anymore.

Can barely move my legs at all, everything's so sore. Heh.

Reasons to live today: Coffee, pokemon, venetian plague doctor masks, sundried tomatoes, fragrant wine (Santa Christina Toscana, 2007), roasted seaweed (my new favorite snack).

Reasons not to: Widespread misogyny

Class tomorrow might be painful. I can imagine it. The male students half-smirking down at their laps, not wanting to say anything offensive but plainly thinking it. The female ones silent, not wanting to seem "feminist," because that would be unappealing. Of course I'll take up the argument, because I am proud, and because I am strong and better than many, and damned if I give a fuck about them all. But it'll be tiring, and I'll feel self-righteous and dirty.

That could happen. I could be pleasantly surprised, I guess.

I've been corresponding a little with this man: http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~rjensen/index.html

I look up to him, a little.

Doctor Rafa Grins into An Electrical Storm

I think I've set it up so people can comment now. I'm really--bad with much of technology. My mind isn't oriented to care about its eccentricities, for whatever reason.

I doubt my ability to get everything done, as I am now.

Thought of the day (there are actually two): First--Philosophy is not a technical problem. It has to be about me, personally, and me, personally human. This is why I love Socrates (or rather, Plato). He strives for exactly that distinction in every dialogue. As does Dante. This is also why I hate so many philosophers.

Second--do you ever get tired of everything being so ironic? Can I get a little sincerity? I know it's scary, but I promise, I'll catch you, and it'll make everything so much better.

Reasons to live today: well-timed lightning, riddles, hope that a relationship will improve in the future.

There aren't that many today, it hasn't been a good one.

I've been thinking about tattoos, and what I want done to my back. I'm fairly certain I want a scene from Dante. I'm thinking it would be good to have one of the scenes in Purgatorio where an angel removes one of the P's from Dante's forehead. I need to decide which one, and I think I'll have the angel holding a sprig of bluebell, for love's sake; I don't know if there should be words. No, probably not. All in greyscale, likely, in a Boccaccio-like style.

Doctor Rafa With More Lists

Today's reasons to live: Surprise twists in good novels, dark blue nailpolish and thin fingers, almond butter, light buzzing sensations, the cool surface of untempered glass on a hot day, carved wooden rhinoceroses (si? Hm, I wonder), wall hangings in soothing colors.

I'm getting in my own way. It was never my weakness, but I've picked it up from an ex. Damn, damn, damn.

I was singing to myself in my room when I woke up this morning, late in the morning hours. After about twenty minutes I realized I was making up nonsense words to Folken's song, and I missed Scarlett.

I really want to be kissed.

Doctor Rafa Makes Lists

Reasons to live: free sheet music websites, wanting to play the piano again, cute lacy underpants, well-constructed fantasy novels, sunny days with a light breeze, mint jelly, rose-colored aviator glasses, whimsical phrasings, Florence, spiders in amber, neon green Buddha piggybanks, orgasms.

Song of the Day: Sora, Escaflowne movie.

Things I miss especially: being hugged from behind, giggling stupidly, being certain there is no God, having a sister.

Things I should have done today: finished my three sections for my thesis, gone running, sent my resume out to Madame Groomes.

Top worry of the day: I might be completely uninterested in most of my friends right now.

Doctor Rafa and the Corporate Washout

Wearing: engagement ring, silver chain necklace, combichrist Shut up and swallow t-shirt, purple plaid overshirt, boyfriend jeans, black striped socks, metallic silver converse.

Mood: Slightly anxious.

Listening to: Take a Bow

Goals for the day: Revise thesis sections, make it through all my classes, talk to Andrew, send my resume to a couple people.

Back at UC. For some reason, I always feel tired in this room. It's odd. I got slightly more sleep than I got any day back in MD, but I woke up groggy. Maybe it's the mattress here? Unimportant, just bugging me, since I have a lot to do today.

Three classes: Philebus, Rousseau, then at 8:30 Permissibility Seminar. In between I'm going to the gym, because I gained three pounds over break, bring me to 127. What. The. Fuck. In any case, the physical activity should give me more energy anyway.

I start to feel so businesslike on days like this; I can never decide if I like it or not. There's a shift in my persona; my speech patterns change slightly (which makes it difficult later if I'm talking to my friends, as I begin speaking to them like colleagues or customers or something, and it takes at least ten minutes to knock myself out of it)--my head's just in an entirely different area.

It's not -bad,- it just seems to be unique to a lot of the people I know. I worry that I'm just at a different stage in my life than my friends (not Andrew--he's my partner, so it's different). Sometimes I feel like I'm--babysitting, listening to them, even if I enjoy their company. Then I think how condescending and superior that is, and I gag a little, but it never entirely goes away.

I have -real- problems. Not fussy exes being immature, or cosplay friends trying to take away your con rights.

In other news. I found these great fantasy book torrents. Downloaded them, and now own--thousands of ebooks. Should keep me busy in between work and play. Re-reading some old Tamora Pierce now. Man, the writing is a lot worse than I remember, but I remember why I liked it.

Man, this post shows how boring my life is right now. Tee hee.

Doctor Rafa and Dance class

We started floorwork in dance class today. It's super fun. Rolling around, handstands, kicks that go into rolls. This is the sort of thing I'm actually fairly good at, after years of Aikido and before that of gymnastics. And it looks pretty damn cool

Afterward, though, I find my arms and legs are jelly, and I've got cuts all over my fingers and elbows. Pretty sure I bruised my hip.

Whoops.

My mom sent me a link to a job oppurtunity I might have in the DC area for a year that actually sounds pretty cool. It's a research institute, where I can nearly pick my field. One of the fields is higher education, which sounds pretty awesome as a yearlong 'getting our field legs' kind of job. Pretty good benefits too.

Bad thing is--it's in DC.

Which I'm not sure I want to do. Maybe downtown DC's not too bad, once you actually know it.

I'm going to keep looking, anyway. I am aware it can take up to six months to get a job though, in this economy.